Don't be afraid of the dark

Positive function:

Anger can be likened to an internal Hulk, without the green transformation. It engulfs us with hormones, readying us for both emotional and physical confrontations. It acts as a personal boundary marker, establishing limits on what we will accept from others, whether we are alone or in a group. While it's possible to accept our inner anger, it's important not to let it lead to destructive behavior without just cause. Anger serves a protective role and indicates when assistance is needed to address something that is causing distress.

Distortion of function:

Anger can serve as a shield against discomfort and challenges. By expressing it, we may sidestep situations that scare us or test our limits. However, to enhance our skills, knowledge, confidence, and competence, we must push beyond our comfort zones. Persistent defiance can become counterproductive, souring our own lives and those of people around us, potentially leading to isolation, criminalization, and feelings of disenfranchisement. While aggression might offer a temporary sense of strength, the long-term personal cost of intimidating others is high. Although our reasons for anger might be justified, remaining in a state of anger is harmful both mentally and physically. It's crucial to learn how to process and respond to our emotions in ways that are productive, compassionate, and conducive to healing. Resorting to anger to coerce others into compliance is never acceptable.

Self Development Activity:

Imagine your anger as if you're an audience member watching a film. Identify the scene that set off your reaction. Consider if there was a more graceful way to handle the script. Reflect on what lines get you riled up or feeling snubbed. Recognize the cues that crank up the heat and explore ways to direct the plot towards a happy ending for the whole cast.

Parenting Tools and Considerations:

• Thinking and planning as a family can limit surprises and help children feel included in decision-making and problem-solving processes.
• Are there opportunities in each day for discussion?
• Allocate quality time for every child and adult in the family unit.
• Consider how you problem-solve as a family. 
• How do you relax individually or as a group? 
• Consistently recognize and reward positive behaviours, no matter how small.
• Implement a playful yet effective warning system for misconduct, akin to the yellow or red card system in sports. Consistency is key—make sure to follow through every time. "Consider this your friendly yellow card warning!"
• In decision-making, having two options strikes an ideal balance between control and simplicity. It's akin to choosing between tea or coffee – both are excellent choices without the need to deliberate over an extensive menu. Have the child select the order while you establish the time limits for tasks.
• Do the children overhear conversations that may make them anxious?
• When a child expresses a concern, do you minimize it, joke about it, avoid it, solve it for them, or work through it with them? Unintentional bullying can happen in families when children's worries are ignored. No matter how trivial or minor it may seem to you, making your child feel heard, recognized, and supported in finding a resolution can provide them with a sense of security.
• Are you sharing too many of your adult concerns with your child? A child does not need to hear if you are unhappy with a person in their life. It is your job to manage these scenarios while maintaining your child's feeling of safety and trust where possible. ( A Co-parent, family member, teacher, social care or health professional)

Story/ moral  by Lynda Hudson :

Once, a boy with a quick temper was given a bag of nails by his father, who told him to hammer a nail into their fence each time he lost his temper. Initially, the boy hammered many nails, but as he learned to control his anger, the number decreased. Eventually, he didn't lose his temper at all. His father then suggested he remove a nail for each day he kept his temper, and in time, all nails were removed. However, the father pointed out the holes left in the fence, explaining that angry words leave scars just like the holes. The boy realized the impact of his words and sought his father's forgiveness for the 'holes' he caused, which his father readily gave. As we grow we need to understand the impact of our interactions with others and aim to limit the harm.

Positive function:

Like shame, guilt helps us change our thoughts and behaviours that cause discomfort to ourselves and others. Guilt is an internal guide. It's an alert from our body to our mind. Message to the brain - "that didn't feel right. I'm feeling uncomfortable and need to avoid this in the future". We know we are generally a good person but sometimes we may want to do something we shouldn't.

Distortion of function:

Guilt can be used to change behaviour. Used by ourselves and others to manipulate. People sometimes manipulate us subconsciously or naively. They are just trying to influence and guide us the same way they were. Over the years and centuries views change, and younger generations bring in fresh ideas, which can bring about cultural and generational changes and clashes. We should be tolerant of this, as people often guide us with the highest intentions. It may simply mean that they have become settled on their views. Occasionally, they have not heard of, understood or agreed with the latest information that is currently circulating. We are all entitled to our own views, but we aren't entitled to dictate the beliefs of others. The challenge for all of us is to find ways of living together with our differences. Share views, educate others, and keep learning and expanding our own knowledge base and perspective. Some people stop responding to guilt and try to ignore the signal. This often leads to being rejected by those around them or becoming increasingly uncomfortable with themselves. If we feel we lack guilt for something we know we should feel guilty for (inflicting pain or abuse on self and/or others), that knowledge is our signal. Once awareness is there we do need to try and change the disturbing behaviour. People may respond negatively to the idea of guilt regarding self-harm and abuse - self-bullying and blaming is an unhealthy habit that doesn't serve us. Recognising our discomfort and moving away from it does.

Activity:

Do you know if some of your behaviour is upsetting others or are you feeling increasingly guilty about the thoughts in your head? Try writing down what makes you feel guilty. Is this something you need to change? Imagine what you would do differently if this activity had already stopped. Then plan a small first step towards making that change. Practice this change. The more consistent we become, the more we'll feel like ourselves again. It may take time to change a behaviour or mindset, so simply be repetitive and review progress until the change is achieved. Consider it may be that someone else needs to change, and this time it's not you.

Parenting Tools and Considerations:

• As we grow we make mistakes and say and do things wrong. Be mindful when guiding we emphasise the good and do not fall into the pattern of guiding by limiting, chastising and controlling behaviour only.
• Dwelling on negative behaviors in a young person can foster a limiting belief that they are not worthy of good things in their life. This mindset can contribute to the onset of anxiety and depression. It's important to encourage healthy reactions to mistakes. Often, they require comfort and support rather than punishment. Be vigilant for extended periods of sadness and assist in creating a shift if they seem unable to move forward.
• A child raised in a highly critical environment may fail to recognize the value of effort. It's important to monitor your language and observe if the balance has shifted. If you're struggling to manage your child's fears and worries, it might be time to ask yourself: do you need support as well?
• Does the family require assistance to resolve challenging issues, or is it an ideal time to embark on a vacation?

Story:

The upheaval of a family break-up can deeply distress a child, leading to fears of being without both parents. To cope with their emotions and in an attempt to keep the family unit intact, a child resorted to self-harm. This behavior often prompts guilt in the parents, compelling them to work diligently to stabilize their child's well-being. While children might wish such actions would bring their parents back together, this outcome is rare. These behavioral patterns can persist for years, influenced by the child's level of distress and anger. Sometimes, these actions are unconscious and may require therapy to address. In other cases, children adjust as they begin to feel secure in their new situation. Keeping a family together is not always feasible, and parental guilt can alter how parents respond. It's important to maintain honesty, collaborate on problem-solving, and offer choices where possible. Avoid tolerating behaviors that would be unacceptable without the influence of guilt. Establishing clear boundaries and providing a sense of security are crucial during times of uncertainty.

Positive Function:

We grow and learn in all areas of our lives. Sexual maturity is one of the trickiest areas. People often struggle to talk openly in this area, which can lead to a lot of confusion and people losing their way.  Our attachment styles, experiences, and exposure to sexual behaviour while developing may impact how we think and feel about sex and sexual arousal. What one person sees as fun and pleasurable another finds intolerable.  The term deviance has a different meaning to different people. What deviance is for one can be exploration and normal to another.

Distorted function:

Reasons why sex may have become deviant: Confusion, lack of self-awareness, the wish to please others with no thought for ourselves, consensual pleasure, the wish to exploit others for our own gratification, and the wish to hurt others as our world experience has destroyed our wish to care. It's deviant if we are manipulating or hurting others for our own gratification. It can be playful but this is only when consensual between adults. Just because images are available online doesn't mean we aren't inflicting damage by watching them. Be aware that what we watch, we support. Can you guarantee what is being watched is consensual?  

If we are young when exposed to sexual behaviour we may get a distorted view of what is appropriate. We may have been manipulated into believing it is ok. It may have felt loving and good- even when wrong. Young exposure can lead to thinking sexual pleasure is how you have a relationship. It can be a way of getting intimacy or gratification without commitment. We may have developed a lack of trust in the people around us. Our self-esteem should come from positive supportive relationships, and our knowledge skills and growth over time. Sexual activity and sexual prowess does not ensure loving caring relationships. We need to be more rounded in what we can bring to our relationships and interactions.

Sexual arousal from exposure to sexual images or situations can be addictive. The arousal triggers our body's hormonal reward and nervous systems. It is important to know your sympathetic nervous system is triggered by stress and anxiety, it is the nerve system in your body that helps you be ready for fight or flight (Your survival system). If you suffer stress day to day then come across sexual arousal it may become a distraction from the stress. Feeling physically and mentally rewarding and reducing anxiety. Inappropriate sexual encounters (in person and online) often get kept secret. Sometimes the function of not sharing is to keep behaviour going.  Sometimes for fear of revenge, blame, embarrassment, or just avoiding being told off - and not to do it again.

There are dangers related to not having conversations about the normal development of sexual desire. What is normal development and feelings attached to sexual arousal? The gap in communication and understanding creates space for distortion (by inappropriate people and imagery) and self-destructive to go unrecognised. You may start to feel shame about the feelings, experience and environment of sexual arousal. You interpret this as you being bad and start to investigate how bad and distorted you can actually become. Once down the rabbit hole without anyone to help, put on the breaks, you can become disturbed, isolated, and unable to stop. Remember the experience is introduced to you, you didn't know what you were going to find and feel. 

Sometimes sexual performance can be an avenue for self-esteem when you lack confidence in other areas of your life. Using sexual activity to please people and experience intimacy, to stand in for good connections that have lacked in your life. The parasympathetic system is the nerve system that calms you down and switches on when aroused. This is normal and automatic. You should not be ashamed of this. It's the shame around sex that allows people to do things without it being exposed. Normal sexual experimentation and development should be a conversation. Understanding the bodily systems and it's responses allows people to judge the behaviour, not the feelings. Helping avoid regular misinterpretations being created by bad behaviour feeling good - therefore self-analysing and concluding we're bad for liking it. Why do you think many people joke about masturbation and stress relief? It's a physiological response to a stimulus outside of mental control. We learn to limit behaviours and exposure to stay healthy. 

Sadly some adults don't get the right support and lessons when young. They may look for intimacy through promiscuity rather than committed relationships, having multiple sexual partners and choosing sexual activities that another person may find abhorrent. As adults, we can make these choices but when young it can be really disturbing to see. What goes on film or happens behind closed doors is not always functional, consensual or loving. Loving, consensual and kind relationships happen all the time but aren't exploited for the gratification of others. That's why we don't get to see that represented so often. 

If you were exposed young to sexually inappropriate behaviour, imagery, and conversations this may have caused distortion, repulsion or fear around this area of life. Arousal is automatic like thoughts - we don't choose it - it happens. You are not wrong for feeling the arousal, and some of what does cause it might even horrify you.  Just acknowledge this doesn't sit well with you, and move on. There are some societal norms we do need to adhere to: 

• It is NOT ok to have sexual activity with anyone under the age of consent
• All sexual activity needs to be consensual. 
• Anything else is on or off the table depending on your and your partner's personal consensual preference.
• Masturbation is self-pleasure and one of life's discrete ways to relieve stress. We need to review if it preventing personal development (being done too often).
• Our behaviour is our responsibility and if what we do watch is possibly harming someone else - you do need to stop. Seek support if required. 
• If we are frustrated about our lack of success with the opposite sex - consider what we are bringing to the party. Relationships are a mutual exchange of love, care, kindness, skills, shared values and resources. Do you need to develop yourself more, to the point you truly like yourself -before looking for a relationship? If we don't appreciate ourselves - why should anyone else? Start with self-development before relationship building. A common mistake is looking for someone to make us feel better- leaving us dependent on others for self-worth. It's an easy mistake to make but can become a demoralising trap over the long term.

Activity:

Start to understand how your body works. Understand that sexual arousal can relieve stress and be rewarding. What this tells you is if you are becoming addicted to the need for arousal and need more and more extreme ways to achieve arousal you need to look at your life and ask: 

• What is causing me stress and anxiety? 
• What can I change to reduce my stress and anxiety?
• Am I avoiding more challenging but constructive activities for fear of failing?
• Start trying new ways to reduce stress, we can trigger our parasympathetic nervous system (calming system) in other ways. Yoga, Massage, exercise, Deep breathing, mindfulness, walks in natural settings, meditation, eating dark chocolate. Build these activities into your daily routine. 
• Start to build new areas of confidence and skills in our life to avoid exchanging sex for moments of connection and validation from people.
• Boys often lose opportunities for human connection as they grow. It's good to keep the hugs going. 

Parent Tools and Considerations:

• Have sensible rules and regulations regarding technology.
• Have sensible open conversations about what to do if you see something disturbing or illegal. 
• Computers need to be in shared spaces where possible.
• Online porn might seem funny, a sign of growing up but there are some really disturbing sites that can be accessed and the trauma can cause lasting damage. 
• Boys in particular need to be educated clearly about the risks of even joking around sexually with girls. Sexting, touching and a below the age of consent relationships can have lifelong unconsidered consequences. 
• Parents having multiple sexual partners increases the risk to the child. Keep relationships out of the home until committed or at least un-sexualised when the child is around. Do not leave new partners with children. 

Story:

A 12-year-old child accessed child porn accidentally online, exploring parts of the web parents weren't aware of. The child knew they had accessed an illegal site and told no one. The trauma of what they viewed and feeling complicit left them suicidal and self-loathing. A significant suicide attempt revealed the truth as they realised they couldn't hold the secret any longer.  If they had felt able to report and share what had been seen straight away they would have been supported not prosecuted. Information could have been shared to remove the site. Yes, there may be consequences such as restrictions that could have been given to the child, but the boundary would have been containing and reassuring, helping to prevent further harm.

Positive function:

We often have to tolerate discomfort to grow. We sometimes have to complete a self-review and critique of our own thinking and behaviour. The purpose would be to look at what we can adjust to improve our experience. Discomfort can be prevalent in our lives. It may develop slowly over time or come from a challenge or trauma we face. When we feel beaten down, defeated, angry, frustrated unheard or confused, we can start to turn in on ourselves and act out our distress. We can lose track of the original reason for distress, causing floating discomfort. It's often linked to feeling unsafe, uncontained, uncared for or neglected. This might not be true but it may be our experience.

All behaviours have a purpose and often the purpose is to improve the situation. We don't often do things just to be difficult (whatever it sometimes feels like). Challenging neighbours don't want to cause disharmony but tend to struggle to deal with their own feelings of discomfort - which then get pushed onto you. Destructive or confronting behaviours can be for; communication of distress, a distraction from an uncomfortable or distressing thought, experiencing an elusive sense of feeling anything, punishment of self and others for past hurts, or maybe just giving a reason for the uncomfortable feeling of unknown origin.

Self-destructive behaviour is a misguided approach. When we are in distress that distress is inevitably passed on to others. People around you do pick up on it. We all feel better when things improve. Nobody feels better when nothing improves. Self-destruction leaves difficult-to-heal wounds in whole communities. The only way to truly make the wound heal is to nurture, take care of and explore the healing process with those around you. You might need to bring in some extra support. The root of the problem isn't the behaviour itself - it is the symptom.

Distorted function:

Distorted belief patterns can lead to people thinking self-destructive actions will atone for or change a situation in the eyes of others. Statements like "Everyone would be better off without me". The truth is other people want to see people with destructive behaviours get well. Grief doesn't go away with our death - it gets passed on to someone close to us or affects strangers witnessing a suicide act.

Often we do more damage to ourselves than others are likely to do to us. We can escape a bully, an abusive parent, or a country but we can't escape ourselves. We need to get on our own side. Nobody is born wrong, everyone makes mistakes, and all of us start life in a naïve state. We all have to collect knowledge and change our values, knowledge, beliefs, and behaviours as we grow. That's why the elders in society seem wiser. They have been doing life longer. Being critical has its value if it helps us improve. If we remain sat in desperation, it holds no value other than keeping us stuck. While we can try to avoid discomfort for a very long time, we eventually have to face it or face the regret of a late, missed, or destructive existence. By not moving away from self-destruction we condemn ourselves to a life of suffering. Learn to be your own saviour, learn to be your best friend and most trusted individual, and make responsible healthy choices for yourself. Keep an eye out for negative patterns creeping in. This doesn't mean taking the most comfortable options all the time. Instead, we need to ensure we experience and engage with the choices that most help us grow and become a better version of ourselves, of our own making. When nobody else has your back, perhaps you still can. If someone is holding you back or knocking you down - you can still build yourself up. During difficult times, we need to learn more in order to facilitate change in the future. Consider small steps forward, and take care of your body so you're fit to take action. I can guarantee that there are people in the world who will listen to your deepest, darkest thoughts and won't reject you. It is likely that we are our own harshest critics. If you're not and it is someone else bringing you down like a guardian or bad friend - there will be a time and situation that creates an opportunity for us to address the issue or move away from them.

Caregivers can often think they have resolved the problem only for it to reappear. Recognising new patterns or reasons behind self-harm when it becomes the solution of choice for self-criticism or communication. Occasionally, we may think we have provided a solution, but it doesn't really meet the need. There can be a pattern of people pleasing where the individual has learnt to say what they think people need to hear to avoid being a bother. The need for repeated reassurance will be required during the early stages of solution finding.

Activity:

Who is being harmed, yourself or the people that might have made you feel this way? How long does this destructive experience last, and how does it end? What will be enough destruction? What will be enough punishment? Are you prepared to give up a year - 2, or 10 years - for the rest of your life? How much energy is put into this?

Creatively reflect on when it does stop. How else would you wish to live your life?

So imagine you've stopped - what does a good life look like? What does the right person look like? Start building a picture of who you want to be and how you would like to live your life. Identify those you want to keep in your life and those you need to move away from.

We are not fixed beings - we are the product of our choices and inheritance. It is possible to create a positive image of ourselves that stands in opposition to the negative image we hold today. Ultimately, we are in control. Nobody else can make this decision for us. When someone decides to destroy themselves, they are the only ones that can decide to stop. If we wait to be contained, it can't happen all the time. People around us can reassure and give options and advice but ultimately the individual has to make the change.

The world has time and multiple tools for destruction. If we look for them, we'll find them. People can't be responsible for watching us 24 hours a day for our entire lives. There is a point where we have to choose a better response to our struggle. To accomplish this, we need to explore positive solutions as well as take courageous steps to achieve them. There are supportive people in communities that can help you feel safe and talk this through with you while you make changes. To begin with, it might be one step forward, two steps back. But when you start building positive possibilities over time, you'll be able to move towards them. I can't promise you won't have negative experiences. However, if you learn to be on your own side, you may find that they don't stop you also experiencing some good times as life moves along.

People change schools, jobs, careers, friends, locations, styles, noses... all the time. Let things shift for you. If something is not working, start discussing and working towards adaptation, simplification or complete change.

Parent Tools and Considerations:

• Consider what is happening around the time that harm takes place and leading up to the incident. What is the function of the harm.  All behaviour is purposeful, the intention is to change a situation or emotion for the better. 
• Self-harm communicates distress and lack of control over something. There is often a sense of hopelessness or anger. Help the person harming themselves (in calmer moments) by asking how would you like me to respond and what is being achieved. Can we achieve the same result in a safer calmer way? 
• Although it is really scary, try not to join the distress. Aim to soothe and contain. Be available and ask what needs to shift to make things feel a little easier. Sometimes parental support, comfort and proximity is enough to prevent a reoccurrence. Take it seriously but don't underestimate your skills to contain.
• Listen and reflect back what you hear them saying. don't try to guess. Just repeat back. Example: I feel stressed with friendships - friendships are stressing you out?

Story: In a foster home two siblings were being supported one with communication difficulties. The sibling who struggled to communicate would have meltdowns causing stress and anger in the home. The other sibling would at these points of stress, begin self-harming and need medical attention. Initially, this was seen as attention-seeking and disruptive behaviour even to the child self-harming. Once explored the real function could be understood. Her worries about being in care created the need to create a distraction to protect the sibling, worried the sibling would be rejected and kicked out the family. By making themselves the bigger focus of attention, they were theoretically "taking the bullet". This was quite unconscious but once understood could resolve. The young person could see themselves in a more positive light as a protector. The Carers could predict the trigger and take calming and containing action. The behaviour was distorted but had the purpose to protect the sibling from further rejection.

Considerations and actions:     

The world is an ever-changing and challenging environment. Problems are always present if we look for them. To live calmly, we must acknowledge chaos and remain composed. Shift your focus away from struggles and regulate your internal response despite their presence. Your trigger for negative emotions could be anything experienced – a person, an idea, an experience, a challenge, your body, food, sounds, or sensations. Instead of trying to eliminate the trigger, aim to settle your internal response to its presence. Mastery is achieved by facing challenges, not avoiding them.

• Emotions and thought types aren't a constant state of being. They are a response to our environment. A signal for direction and problem-solving.
• If you are in danger, you should not be trying to regulate or counsel yourself. Take action to get out of danger, run, hide, get out, get safe. Then address your mental state and coping skills. The strongest of us can't fight back flames but we can educate ourselves, prepare ourselves, and look after our health to ensure we can manage to address and or escape the dangers we may face.
• Learn what helps calm your mind by talking to yourself as if you were guiding a friend through the same experience.
• Regulate your breathing, slowing it down between breaths, elongating the rhythm, and breathing deeper into your lower abdomen. You should feel your stomach pushing out. The breath app is a good tool for practicing self-regulation of internal responses.
• Take a moment to relax your physiology; shake out the tension in your muscles, notice the tension, and let it relax. Stress signals are sent to your brain by tension in your body. Relaxed muscles help calm the signal down.
• Imagine a tornado swirling around. You need to stay still and calm to avoid getting whipped up into the chaos. The external world you experience can feel out of control at times. Learning meditation and bio-feedback techniques helps you regulate your physiological and mental responses, helping you think and act calmly in difficult circumstances.
• Identify what triggers you. What takes you from calm to an instant storm? Plan around how to handle it next time it comes around. Have options ready. Move away quickly, scream for help, calmly confront, breathe, relax your body and be kind in your mind. Now pick a solution - An action that helps you move past the problem without getting into a negative emotional state. Use the statement: what's the kindest response to this situation for me and others?
• Singular perspective: When angry we only see our own hurt, discomfort, and fears. We aren't always able to acknowledge the chaos and pain others around us are experiencing. Everyone is on their own journey trying to fit into the bigger picture. It doesn't matter how old we get we are still learning and trying to find our own way while trying to support the people around us whom we love and care for. It's important to aim to not do too much damage to those we don't see eye to eye with. Remember people are the product of their own experience, education, and culture. We don't have the same lessons from the same people at the same time. Even when our experience is similar - it isn't totally the same and can generate conflicting ideas. People will develop different values and it is sometimes hard to find consensus in a myriad of individual views.
• It's fascinating that with everyone on the planet being different we achieve as many working processes, consensus, and group values as we do. Remember there is more that unites us than divides us. There is evidence of teamwork everywhere even if we often have to go through stages of forming, storming, norming, and performing with the people around us. Developmental Sequence in Small Groups, Psychological Bulletin, Bruce W. Tuckman, 1965. It's good to understand that we are all individuals who test out our developing beliefs and values with the people around us, we don't always get the response we expect but we enter into a testing and adjusting cycle. Don't try to force change on others, learn to accept differences, Tolerate different views, and aim to influence others with educated interesting debates and conversations.
• Storytelling is a strong medium for expressing views in a way that people can understand and buy into without feeling threatened or personally challenged. If you want to explore an issue but don't want to give away your personal view. Tell a story and then ask other people's opinions. I watched something on YouTube and it made me think or worried me - what do you think?
• Personal responsibility, How often do people proclaim "it's my life" and then proceed to waste it away? This is a valid option but is this all you want for yourself? Some of us get overwhelmed by choice and pressure. Some of us will lack self-value and belief. All of us are taking action on our choices in relationship to the world around us. We are solely accountable for the choices we make, we are not responsible for the actions of others. 
• Every action has a reaction. If you are being aggressive, spiteful, mean-spirited, dominating, thoughtless, lying in your communication. People will either move away or match your energy. Don't expect good people to stick around while you are giving out bad vibes. If you want to bring love, care, and compassion towards you, you need to show it. If you are showing love care and compassion and you are getting abused- this is your cue to move away.

Recommended websites and apps for further personal development and learning:

Breathe App. To calm your breathing and to still an overactive mind.

Calm App. Mindfulness and meditation

Calm Harm App. self-harm prevention strategy

Tappy App - Children's relaxation and fidget toys

Headspace App Mindfulness and meditation tools

Dr. Julie Smith - Simple psychological explanations.

NAS National Autistic Society

For an accessible approach to self-discipline, mindfulness, and neuroscience

Explore these individuals on social media channels:

Wim Hof for building physical and mental resilience.

David Goggins, ultra-marathon runner, and a retired navy seal (Tough Love).

Jay Shetty former Hindu monk and life coach

Dr Caroline Leaf Book Clearing up your mental mess 5 Steps to identify and

Challenge your thinking.

Vinh Giang communication for life skills.

areas to explore when you are in downtime, stop scrolling and start actively seeking: 

• CBT negative thinking styles and challenging them.
• Stoic thinking styles. 
• Shadow work - Exploring your own personal limiting beliefs and behaviours. 
• Behaviour activation for depression. 
• Mindfulness and meditation.
• Get out in nature, swim, walk, sit, watch clouds, trees and water. See, Hear , smell, taste your environment.

Be the creator of your life experience and don't let life beat you into submission. Develop the skills to be 'the calm' in the eye of the storm. Don't be satisfied with being in the storm or getting thrown about by it. Explore everything you can about self-discipline, resilience, living healthy, and self-awareness. These tools set you up for the next step you take in life. These are not always in-built skills, we need to learn and embed them. Be open to learning more each day and stay open to evolving ideas. We aren't born flawless, and we don't become perfect, but we can aim for "strong calm, and capable", with compassion, trust, and cooperation. We all come into this world with fresh experiences. We explore the world and develop our own hypotheses, experiments, and adaptations. Only at the end of the experience can we say who we were and what we contributed over time. At 90, you might make a great breakthrough for humanity if you don't opt out early. It will be from your experiences, mistakes, adaptations, and learnings that breakthroughs come.

When we are responsible for others,

Be an example. Don't panic about someone who has become self-destructive. OK, so they are struggling. What's the most significant thing on their minds? What needs to shift to make them feel better? Can it be shifted? Yes - then do it, No - then help them find small steps to make it a little better. What would make the process easier? Listen to their concerns and help them solve the problem. 

Write a list of things that need your attention. Don't minimize by using statements like; Don't be silly, no need to worry, it will be OK, it's not as problematic as you think. They are experiencing what they are going through. Make them feel empowered and plan a way out by considering the worst-case scenario. This often helps people realize how unlikely it really is, that you take their worries seriously, and they would know how to respond if disaster did strike.

I worked with a child who was scared at the thought of a fire starting in his home. Regularly waking from nightmares. The natural reaction of the family was to say it wouldn't happen. This didn't help. At 7 years old the worry was there with many other escalating worries attached. We broke it down. The fire safety officer did a risk assessment on request. Fire alarms were in place, a fire drill was discussed, explaining this is what you will do. Worst case scenario, you find yourself alone - the next steps were put in place. Go to your neighbour, call your aunt. From the plan, he was able to see that he would have strategies and feel more empowered. He could leave the ruminating thought alone. The nightmares stopped once the idea was processed.

With risk behaviours;

You should never worry about making mistakes. If someone is destroying themselves anyway, spending the time to help them navigate to safety can do no added harm. People fear they may fail at supporting, and god forbid you do lose someone! The truth is, you may lose someone, but it's better to do so knowing you tried, rather than standing back and panicking. 

The most effective example you can set is by becoming knowledgeable. There is endless information available to you. Start looking for solutions. Building resilience, discipline, problem-solving, and mindfulness are essential skills for living not an adjunct or afterthought to a busy day. Review your own skills. Were you taught them, or do you lack them? Not everyone has the luxury of learning these lessons in life. Don't feel guilt, shame, or failure for something you cannot help. Just recognize the gaps in knowledge and start filling them. You can help yourself and then help others.

Remember the safety warning on planes, put on your own oxygen first then you can assist others. If you assist before you may run out of time and air for the both of you.

Be aware of any destructive behavior around you, and see if anyone else is in danger from the person you're helping. Are others being neglected due to the time taken? Sometimes you have to protect yourself and others from a person intent on causing harm. Don't go down the rabbit hole with them. Sometimes enough is enough and you have to stand back. Take care of yourself and others and when you have more energy, try again. When they are ready to accept support, stay strong. We can't be there 24/7 for everyone - what happens when you need the toilet, pop to the shops, or fall asleep? You cannot be the "container" all the time. Professionals can't do this either. The person you are helping has to achieve this by learning emotional control in response to their experience, adapting their environment to what they can tolerate and achieve. 

Village elders our leaders in communities and countries: 

We have to constantly evaluate the people we follow and listen to. Leaders don't have to be perfect because no one is. Too perfect is likely deception or lack of self-awareness. That's why we enjoy flawed people they appear more authentic. We need people in authority with the skills of diplomacy and cooperation. Navigating on our behalf complex systems. Offering direction with choice. We need to evaluate all sides of an argument and understand others have a different experience than us. Listen to people of varying views to broaden your understanding of the world experience. Our lives are about understanding our own will and capacity and fitting our shaped piece of the puzzle into the whole picture. Balancing both our destructive and creative will.

The act of becoming a parent is a hopeful endeavour. One that invests in the future and anticipates a new relationship full of love. In reality, nothing is promised. A child is born and eventually, the demands and emotional roller coaster will begin. You may take this on beautifully but often the reality of parenting is a shock. The realization that we have brought a fragile person into the world and the recognition we can not have full control over them or the world. Anxiety and fear you have experienced in the world can rise to the surface and become overwhelming when faced with the concern that your child may have to face the same. There are many responses; repression - pretending the bad things don't exist, Ignoring - minimizing the danger, acknowledgment - preparation for the challenges ahead. Rejection- unable to contain the fear so rejecting the responsibility, (this happens when we ourselves do not have the tools to contain emotions), Never let parental guilt lead to complete devastation. Child murder and neglect happen when parents struggle with parenting. Saying I'm struggling is not a failure it's a big step towards finding solutions to distress and lessons we ourselves weren't taught.  Acknowledgement is difficult, we have to face that love and protection is not enough. It's a good start but your child will need survival skills and emotional resilience of their own. And so do parents - consider were you taught the necessary resilience skills during your childhood? Families can pass both good and bad habits on through generations. Accept the generation before didn't get given the right tools to pass on. To stop this for future generations we need to identify the pattern and take positive actions to learn new ways of dealing with discomfort. It is such a difficult task to acknowledge the patterns that are wrong in our families, these are people we love. There is no need to blame and reject everything about the relationship. Just acknowledge the things that need to change and hold on to the belief they did their best with what knowledge they had at the time.

I hope this site has helped you explore some of the darker aspects of being human. Helping you see that we all struggle with bad thoughts, actions both internally and externally. You are not alone. We all get things wrong as we go along, how we respond in action is how we choose who we become.